Crooner Virus EP

by Mr Diagonal

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I'M THE CROONER VIRUS I'm the Crooner Virus, hi how do you do? My name is SARS Coronavirus 2. Yes it's rather catchy (please excuse the pun), but like Miley Cyrus I've the right to have some fun; and my first hit went straight to number 1. I'm the Crooner Virus so far and yet so near. They fight me on the beaches and close the cocktail bars. That's why drinking bleach is such a marvelous idea. Drink up mr President, and cheers! We viruses pioneered the perfect business plan: sales have hit the sky despite limited demand. We invest in people -centred factories: no safety regulations and the labour costs are free. That's why human capital is key. I'm the Crooner Virus, everywhere I lurk, tirelessly installing the wireless 5G network (a name that you can trust). I had a word with Elon Musk, we made a secret plan to propagate by starlink and irradiate Japan. Oh and don't forget to wash your hands!
OBVIOUS Why do you get up late, can't seem to meditate, stay in pyjamas all day? Why are you losing weight? Why has your hair turned grey? Why has your dog run away? It seems so bloody obvious, it seems so obvious to me I can't believe that you don't see you are the one for me because it seems so bloody obvious to me! This is the 2nd verse, pretty much like the first, just change this chord to a D. I burnt your photographs onto my dvd. It's got stuck in the machine... To state the bloody obvious, the day you went away I lost my way, I lost my other half; I want you back at any cost although I know that's obviously daft. The garden's overgrown, you're digging up old bones, you've hurt your shoulder again. You gave up yoga, the world is colder now you'll never hold her again... To state the obvious again I need you darling you don't need to be a rocket scientist to know that one and one is three. I see you obviously don't agree. You've lost your appetite. Why do you spend your nights binging on Netflix and beer? You haunt the night-shops like sir Lancelot seeking sweet Guinevere Isn't it obvious my dear you are the one that I adore? You are my horny unicorn, I am your loyal albatross, although it's obvious you just don't give a toss.
THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY There are 3 kinds of fish, so the wise men say : small fish, big fish and The One That Got Away. Oh my Cod! It broke my rod on Ardrossan pier. I'm out of Plaice, no happy Dace, I have Haddock up to hear... Thinking of The One That Got Away, of The One That Got Away... Anchovies grow up to be monsters of the deep. When I can't sleep I don't count sheep, I calculate till break of day... Counting all The Ones That Got Away, all The One That Got Away. I don't know why, but I can't deny that I let them go. Why was that so? I had a dream of giant Bream in a stagnant pool. I couldn't eat that unclean meat without breaking golden rules. Who hooked who? Me or you? And does it matter any way? The sun is hot, I've got a yacht, and it's a perfect sailing day.. Maybe I'm The One That Got Away, I'm The One That Got Away... What if I'm The One That Got Away, I'm The One That Got Away?
THE DAY THAT JESUS CHRIST RETURNS One wet Sunday, sitting home alone watching furry porn, three Jehovah's Witnesses came knocking on my door... This is what I heard them say: 'this whole world will pass away, Babylon will burn burn burn! They'll be famine, war and plague and giant locust swarms, on the day that Jesus Christ returns.' I've a feeling I've heard that before. When my guests were gone, I opened The Watchtower and this is what I learned: 'This perfect world will fall apart, but there's still place on Noah's ark! When there's nowhere left to turn, don't claim to be innocent, don't say you were not warned, on the day that Jesus Christ returns.' It's a simple as the light of day: the darkness will be swept away, it will be eternal dawn! We will live by Prophecy and theocratic laws... Well our perfect world just fell apart, and I badly need a brand new start, so pass the application form! We will learn to levitate and burn our tax returns. We will dance in circles wearing purple uniforms. We will be one nation embracing unicorns on the day that Jesus Christ returns.
DAVID ATTENBURGH We are guests at David Attenburgh's final garden party, just before sundown deep in the South Downs. Around the perfumed garden savage tribesmen play, a little traveling circus here to stay. Ladies with lamp-chop sleeves and plump pedigrees play voodoo croquet with shrunk heads from Haiti. Blue-blazored alligators blend in perfectly with the roman fountain bestiary; while in the middle distance by the ornamental lake a giant silk balloon softly inflates... Baboons in bow-ties and receding hairlines knock back the Scotches and touch up the duchess. In pink champagne and Pimms and lemonade we toast the ghost of old sir Michael Grade. “Remember in the jungle long ago we played bongos with the Congo bonobo?” In rich thick English moonshine we enter dreamtime. The whole party salutes their host in an ape suit. The cream of entertainment, stars of stage and screen join the conga conga-ing the wrong way round the laurel maze... Just before sunrise the blimp nudges skyward, to cries of admiration, trepidation and delight sir David's moon balloon is taking flight... Goodbye David Attenburgh Goodbye David Attenburgh Goodbye David Attenburgh See you on the moon!


Recorded in my bedroom.


released April 9, 2020


all rights reserved



Mr Diagonal Brussel, Belgium

mr Diagonal (aka Dan Barbenel) is a multi-faceted musician/ songwriter at the frontiers of
pop, cabaret and theatre music.

In true diagonal fashion, he always cuts a dash and declines to cut corners.

Variously compared to 'Noel Coward on mushrooms', Kurt Weil and Divine Comedy, he has a loyal following in Japan,and has featured on BBC radio and in the UK Guardian.

"clearly a Genius" - Momus
... more

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